Really, Babe? Really?
  1. Yes, I may have said that you can go and have fun with the boys or colleagues or whatever but that doesn't mean that when you return, I am not going to say, 'While you were out having a ball, I was cleaning poop and chasing these kids!'.
  2. Yes, if you have been out of the house for any time more than 2 hours then when you return you are on diaper duty and food service. 
  3. I am doing you a huge favor if I have to put my phone down, get off the couch to get you anything, switch on anything or scratch your back. This means you are putting the kids to bed that night. 
  4. Yes, it has been me throwing out all your razors or hair stubs covered anythings off the bathroom counter. Don't you understand why it is that I disappear whenever you start looking for your sh!t!
  5. There are only two reasons why I fold and do your laundry - 1) I can't just do mine and leave all of yours there and 2) It's leverage to use against you for that weekend. Remember how I say, 'I did allllllllllllllllllllllllll of this laundry, so please make dinner, bathe the kids and put them to bed while I try to rest with my achy back'? 
  6. You know how over the last 5 years, you have build up quite a stock of single socks? Yeah, that's on me. Every time you leave your socks right in the middle of the stairs, walk-in or hallway, I toss it. 
  7. Stop buying colors of shirts and tees that I don't like. Some of them are so bright that noone notices me next to you. And you remember how you were looking for them? Well, guess who makes a Red Cross donation once a month? 
  8. Yes, there is a reason why your million shoes are stored in the garage and my precious few are inside the foyer - 1) you have millions of them and 2) mine are precious. So yes, it has been me who tosses your shoes into the garage. 
  9. I am the-shut-down-and-lock-up person in this house. I don't care if you roll your eyes and tell me that you locked up because guess what I find when I get downstairs? Atleast one light lit and one door unlatched. 
  10. Yes, no matter how much we "discuss" this loudly, you spending anything on anything is taboo. IT IS NOT the same when I do it. Where have you ever heard of men being called 'high maintenance'? 
  11. Even though I do not show it, if you leave your mail box open on our laptop, I do look at it. I haven't clicked open anything or scrolled through it....yet. It is not beneath me. 
  12. I am sure you have gotten some hints but if someone gives you a compliment, they better give me one too. I don't know how this is your problem but it is.
  13. Sorry that I am not overly enthused when you decide to cook. You mess up my kitchen and use every single pot and pan in my kitchen. I keep my kitchen spotless and ...well, basically unused. I like it that way. I hate that the price for that yummy dinner that night is for me to clean up. 
  14. Yes, I leave all the dirty jobs for you and act like I would have done it when you have started it. 
  15. I disappear when you start cleaning up or vacuuming because you make me move things and lift things and put things away. Dude, cleaning up and vacuuming involves these tasks. I can easily hold a vacuum and move it around the room...it's these tasks that make vacuuming a least favorite job. *rolling eyes*
  16. No matter how many times you count and keep tabs, I am not going to take out the garbage, it's a man's job - there, I said it. And no, you can't toss my question back at me - 'Since when is it a woman's job?'
  17. Yes, if we have gone to bed angry, I mindfully toss, turn, sigh loudly and pull at the comforters to waken you. Why should you be sleeping when I am fuming? 

Hun, I just thought I would come clean, it being our 5th year coming up and all. I totally love you.  

Cmon 'fess up ladies and men too. I am sure many of you have some juicy confessions to make. 

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In a few days, I will get an expensive gift. 

In a few days, BK and I will hit a small milestone in our journey together. 5 years of staying married, of surviving with each other and despite each other. For good, great or bad, we made 5 years worth of memories. 

We learnt a lot too. 

10 things I learnt in the last 5 years courtesy BK

  1. Pick your battles. The war goes on forever. 
  2. Bodily functions are just that. They may look yucky, sound funny and definitely smell terrible but they do not define a person. Just what he ate that morning. 
  3. Hide your flaws in his imperfections. Embrace both. 
  4. Conventions and stereotypes have no place in your marriage. Define your own terms. He cooks; she fixes. He does the math; she shops. He takes pictures; she balances the checkbook. It's all good. 
  5. Park your arguments and present an united front to your common frenemy - your sly children. 
  6. After the kids come along and there's been plenty of loud crying - your tears are not going to stand a chance in melting any hearts. Don't bother. 
  7. There is no HIS' and HER'S... whoever get's there first and whoever blinks first is what matters. 
  8. No matter what, the other person's side of the bed is cooler, softer and more comfortable. 
  9. Don't keep tabs on anything. Tabs just show that it's still countable and not countless. 
  10. Let's face it - after a closet full of clothes, she still has nothing to wear and just about every sport in the world is riveting to him. 
Bonus Point: At the end of every day and every hurdle, you love him and he loves you and together you guys love beer. So Cheers!

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PictureHere's a pic of me to throw darts at for not knowing better!
There were many times in my life where I did not know better like yesterday when I said, "I am going to quit all carbs". Hahahahahah *tears*
What I should have said, "I am going to try to limit the amount of carbs I shove down my throat". 

There are several such things and here are a few:

1. "I believe the two biggest time wasting activities in life are 'Toilet Time' and 'Sleeping'. That's wasting precious time" as said to my best friend when I was an idiot and 16 years of age. 

2. "I hate long commutes. Such long hours of sitting still and doing nothing.", as said to BK and insisting on moving closer to work. He agreed. Another idiot. Such long peaceful without kids time has been lost. 

3. "I will be my kids' best friend unlike you people." as said to my smirking parents. 

4. "I want a job where it's all glamour with make up and travel and high power meetings." The only make up I put on is painting my eyes wide open and I shudder at any travel because of all the pre-work at home. 

5. "I want a large large family... one where I can run my own country with", said amongst friends in a happy happy state. 

6. "I want our children to go to private school, eat organic food, learn to read like on of those 'Your Baby Can Read' programs and play serious sports", said I, in a hormone driven craze while pregnant for the first time.

7. "I know what I am talking about". Should have said that I know what I read on some random forum on google. 

8. "I will never give my child processed foods", said I when I didn't know better. 

9. "I can't ever imagine a life without high heels", yeah, imagine it b!atch!

10. "It is JUST NOT lady like to fart out loud...I could never ever do that", said I before I knew what it was like to be pregnant and throwing up. Thanks BK for helping me out with that one. 

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A lot. 

We went off to India this year for our vacation. For us, a trip to India is not a vacation. It is anything and everything but. 
Well, because we are over-related to every person that we come across. Pick any random man - there, how about that gentleman wearing just a lungi, scratching his crotch across the street. Yes! He apparently is our great-grandfather's brother-in-law's brother's wife's cousin's grandson. And now that he has seen you looking at him, you need to pay him and his family a visit and ofcourse, you can't arrive empty handed! This is exactly why 3 weeks were not good enough. 

India has a charm, a gripping charm that claws through the heat and humidity and grasps your heart, invades your mind and just refuses to leave. 

It does that to me every time I am on her soil and this time I watched as it gripped my daughters. Well, atleast lil O. She loved it there. Never mind the heat, never mind the humidity, never mind the noise...she had all her senses invoked and her curiosity sated. 

With all the inventions that man has made towards superficial beauty - why isn't there anything that soothes crazy humidity hair? 
This was me, only worse!
Anyways, we returned about a week ago and we are still half here and half there. There are baggage artfully hidden under piles of clothes, laundry to clear and things to put away. There is stuff on every single surface in this house. This is not to mention the jet-lag or exhaustion that we are still under. 

I seriously need a vacation to recover from this one. But then I haven't been on a vacation in 2 and a half years. Yes, lil O is 2 and 1/2. 

And lil A is all of 9 months! Happy 9th lil A!

Lil O's accomplishments are far too many to list. Except for eating properly, she does everything including throwing diva tantrums. We are stuck at trying to potty train. This is a conversation she had with one of our friends:
O: Nick-uncle, you wearing diaper?
N: *laughing* No, I don't wear diaper.
O: *dropping her voice* You wearing underwear.
N: *laughing so hard* Yes, I wear underwear. 
O now looks super impressed. 

Lil A crawls around expertly and stands while clinging onto anything she can hold. She is a funny and happy little cookie. 

Mother's Day was awesome. Not because that's one day that we are appreciated or any such thing but because the father's behind the scene do so much and make the effort and that's heart warming. 

So I guess that's what's going on at this end of the world and that's why I have been awfully quiet around here. 

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Little O's first time on the Beach.
I am sure there are some great things about being back from a long vacation. Yes, I am sure. 

Let me go ahead and start without thinking through (that's the first sign that you were on a vacation and are now in some form of withdrawal!)

1. You have effectively forgotten all your work related passwords. You get asked by the helpline:
'Do you remember your previous password? No
Can you give me the phone number you registered with us for password recovery? I don't remember.
Can you tell me your work ID? I don't know it. 
Can you give me your Secret answer for data recovery? I don't remember. 
Can you give us your joining date? 3..no, four, no 3..definitely 4 years ago... it was summer - so maybe June or August?
Ma'am, do you really work with us?'

2. It's like someone rearranged your entire house in your absence. ENTIRE.HOUSE. Seriously. Including the light switches and all. 

3. Someone died in your refrigerator. 

4. Your brain is melted cheese and you just want to eat it. 

5. You sob like a baby when you have to wake up and it's Monday morning and it's your first day back to work. 

6. You are back from a 3 week vacation and you look like you returned from a ship wreck. 

7. There is nothing to eat at home. How is that possible? Maybe that person who died in your refrigerator ate himself to death. And you and your husband are avoiding looking at each other because the topic of who needs to go grocery shopping will come up.

8. You can't unpack because you do not know where anything goes in the house. Remember? Someone rearranged the entire house. 

9. You discover that life didn't stop when you were away. 
You get told, 'Jen, this document is due on Wednesday - that is tomorrow.'
Me: 'But I was on vacation and I just got back'.
Evil man: 'Exactly. Due tomorrow'.

Bills: 'You are late with your payment'
Me: 'But I was on vacation. I wasn't here on that date.'
Bills: 'In that case, please include the late payment fee and interest.'

Cable: 'Reduced service. Bill unpaid'.
Me: 'But I was on vacation.'
Cable: 'So many of your shows haven't been DVRed. You still owe me.'

10. You can't buy anything until an appropriate amount of guilt period has subsided. You did overspend on that vacation, right?

11. Kids do not understand jetlag. Infact they do not understand anything after a vacation. 

12. You have no clue what rules have changed in your absence. Do they still bathe everyday? 

13. Someone also died in one suitcase where all the dirty laundry is neatly packed. 

14. No one has been excitedly waiting for you to return. So when you call couple of your friends up, they run straight into their day to day issues and you have to remind them that you were away for 3 weeks, remember? And when they ask you how your vacation was, you say, 'FINE'. 

15. When did you get so fat? Did someone rearrange the internals on this weighing scale? 

Oh, wait... this was supposed to be 15 great things? This is what a vacation does to you! Well.. there are these pics of great times. 
Little A's Baptism, 2013, Kottayam India
St Mary's Cathedral, Kottayam India
More than a cousin, more than a best friend.
Meeting Best Friends after 14 long years. Goa, India
The girls hanging out on the beach
Goa, India
Goa India
Kumarakom India
Incredible India
Amazing Food
Yes, I shopped that much that they packed huge bags for me!
A miraculous save!
This kid is NUTS!

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Flying has always been stressful. And for parents' with toddlers, dreadful. 

When I was preparing to take our first flight with Lil O, I like every dutiful parent and traveler, asked the Lords of Google what I should do. 

And you know what I was looking for? How to ensure that my child doesn't bother all the other travelers. I was worried about others. Not me, not BK and definitely not as much about Lil O. I packed every sort of entertainment, teethers, toys that do not make too much noise but just enough to hold her attention, books, food and lastly, as a last resort a bottle of Baby Benadryl. 

So I began looking around to see what travelers without kids are being told by the Lords of Google. You know what they are told? Pretty much nothing and just enough to tell them to avoid any sight of children and parents with them. 

For all parents traveling with kids. You have the right to travel without being shunned, eyes rolled at, smirks, grumbled about and complained about. 

These notes are for those folks who all parents have been trying so hard not to offend. Let me take the pleasure. 

1. You are welcome. We do our best not to bother you. Extend the courtesy please. 

2. Imagine a child who knows nothing much, being strapped to a chair in a metal tube with some windows that look out to pretty much empty space and then being hurtled at intense speeds through the skies without any guarantee of anything? Not the same as being tossed in the air playfully by a loving parent, is it? Try and understand. 

3. There is this incredible device called "Head Phones". Through it miraculously lovely music can be enjoyed, books be heard and all sorts of things. When was the last time you were read to? Come on, try it. Even if you do not like it or want to. 

4. You are better off than atleast 1 other person - the parent of the wailing child. You can shrug it off, roll your eyes and shut them, turn around, move seats, anything. Apparently we are not allowed to disown or toss the child out of a moving flight, moving anything actually. So we are stuck trying to deal with it. You are definitely better off. 

5. You were a child once. And if you are complaining about the crying or yelling child and creating problems for us, then I am afraid you were raised without any compassion for others. That's not good. 

6. To those who were parents to toddlers once - you know what it's like. Don't pretend you do not. Squeeze my arm in support. And NO, please refrain from any unsolicited advice. Please. 

7. To those who are planning kids - no, this is the worst of it. The happier times are incredibly awesome. Also if you are being mean about it, the karma is going to hit the ceiling on you. 

8. To those who hate kids. I guess it looks like they don't like you much either. 

9. You can complain about my child as much as you want to and to whomever you want. Know this, noone can boot us out now, I mean we are in mid air. And noone can do anything much about it....except ME. That's right. You just pissed me off. So calming that child has taken a lower priority. 

10. No, we dread giving any form of medication to induce sleep. But you feel free to use it and knock yourself out. 

11. Yes, there are several things you can do. First and foremost, ignore us and pretend nothing is going on. If not, then offer us the window seat for a while. Or give us some fascinating gadget or book that you have. No, we parents are fearful of damaging other people's things and will not ruin it. 

12. Do not offer me or my child candy. The sugar crash is worse. The hyperactivity from the sugar is crazy. 

13. Do offer me a drink. 

14. There are very very few parents who will ignore a troublesome child and let them bother other travelers. That is most parents' nightmare. So yes, we are doing 'something' about it. Infact we are doing 'everything' we can about it. If you do not agree, feel free to babysit, b!tch!

15. When you travel, please be realistic. The world's population is not booming by people not procreating and without children running around. Plan for it. Get a good pair of headphones, books and eye masks. Get Prozac and share it with me. Get a chartered flight to take you or me to our destination. I don't know, you are the one who is irked. You figure it out. 

16. Please don't be mean. I am stressed about flying. I am stressed that I may have forgotten something for the baby. I am worried that the child will catch something that you may have bought onto the plane. I am worried that the flight will crash. I am afraid that someone will hijack the flight. What? You are worried now too? Puts things in perspective, doesn't it? But I have to do this with a screaming, restless child in my arms. So let's worry about getting there in one piece, shall we?

17. Sorry but yes I do HAVE to get up so many times. All those last times were to get water for my child, change diapers, stretch her legs. These few times are for me to empty my bursting bladder or wet my parched throat. So, I am really sorry that you have to move your legs or let me pass. And no, it has NOT been a 'hundred times already'!

18. It's just a spill. Clean it and move on. Who doesn't pack an extra pair of pants or tee these days? Gosh, for pete's sake. You are worse than my child!

19. If my child took something of yours and if I haven't reacted yet, it is PURELY because I didn't see it. I promise. If you politely tell me, I will move heaven and earth to give it back to you immediately and undamaged. Please do not start with the 'poor parents' and 'lack of discipline'. 

20. We too paid full fare for this flight. If we could have, we would have avoided this trip completely. Noone in their right mind would pay all that money to fly with a restless, cranky child or two or more. So we are not in our right mind. That's not good for you. Please stay out of our sight and way. 

Is there anything else you would like to add?

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Seriously... Cmon God, these kids are perfect beings. All you need to do is change that chip which makes them say 'No' and just make them say the following:

1. YES! Sure. I will. 

2. Ok, if you say so. (So parents would be let off from having to say Because I said so!)

3. I will go to sleep now. No, don't bother carrying me up to bed. I get around to the most unsafest places by myself, so I can get to my safe bed in my safe room by myself. 

4. Thank You! Please. 

5. Yes, this is yummy. I love the color on this - green. It's beautiful. I will eat it all without shoving it around my plate or behind the couch or under the table. 

6. I love you always even when you have goofed up, forgotten my lunch, forgotten the poop in my diaper, for frozen or leftover dinners and for drinking. 

7. Oh... you look tired. I shall stop this clanking, banging, yelling, singing, clapping right now and wait till you feel better. 

8. Sure, I shall lie down and be very still while you change me and will not attempt to stick my hand in my diaper or worse stick it in my mouth after. 

9. Sorry mom for biting you there. Won't happen again. While I am at it, I will also stop pulling your hair or scratching you. 

10. Mom, can you clip my nails please? I just want to make sure that I don't scratch you or worse scratch myself pretty bad and then make other pretentious mothers judge you as a bad mother. 

11. Mom and Dad, I promise not to grasp any of the foul words that you frequently toss about. 

12. I promise not to learn to spell until I turn 5 and when I do, I will catch up fast and turn out to be a Spelling Bee Champion. So carry on talking about T-I-M-E-O-U-T and H-I-D-D-E-N-C-A-N-D-Y.

13. I will not repeat anything you say about my daycare buddies and their mommies anywhere. 
Saturday, 7AM
14. I will not come and jump in your bed on weekend mornings and will sleep till it's noon. 

15. I do not want another toy, thank you. 

16. Please don't save for my college tuition or wedding or any such thing. Please use everything you earn to have vacations with us, drink and have fun. I will become a singing protege and rise to fame and buy you a house soon. 

17. I can get my own dinner. Do you want anything from the fridge?

18. Did you have a rough day at work? Why don't you put your feet up? I will not poop or pee myself or spill anything until you are ready to get off your bum. 

19. I promise to say hello, say my name, sing your favorite song, talk sweet when all your friends are over and on demand. I will not embarrass you or make you have to tell all your friends that I am normal. 

20. Allow me to clean that up please. 

Please add anything else that I may have overlooked. By commenting, you are signing this petition to the higher powers that exist. 

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You know how it's very gut wrenching to leave a reluctant (read brawling) child at Day Care or Play School or in the closet while you go off to work. It is very hard, very hard. 

So when I get back from being a sharp shooting, no nonsense, suit wearing professional, I change into my poop covered Mommy hat and rush to the Day Care. 

My daughter returns home with an armful of the day's art and craft. 

I remember the first time I got the first scrap of paper, wrestled from her tiny mouth and sumo-wrestler strong arms, I was thrilled. It stayed on my refrigerator for months. 
Lil O's daycare has some awesome and creative teachers. They make amazing stuff and pictures. The kids' get lucky to get themselves dirty, covered in paint, shaving cream, water colors, melted candy and several other messy things. 

And thank you teachers for taking that responsibility off my hands and out of my house. 

They also make adorable stuff from toilet paper cardboard rolls, disposable plates, tissues, brown paper bags, straws etc. I love those lessons. 

Here are some of lil O's latest creations. 
Here are some of the stuff that I put up in her room. 
And then the Artiste went through some eccentric phases. I have more of these ones that you see below than any other. 
But here are more of the cute stuff. (Yes, I have now become that crazy parent who will tell you and show you every scrap of paper that their child has touched...need be, I will pull out a gun to your head).
Sometimes she gets dark too. 

Either ways, I love seeing what she has been upto each day. 

My only question is where do I put all the stuff that are...ahem ...not as ...artistically advanced as the rest... you know those less than masterpiece ones?

And for all readers belonging to the 'Thou-shalt-not-ridicule-your-child's-anything-including-poop' club, I love her stuff and store them all in this little overflowing box. 
Lil O stuck all those stickers herself!
But really? Do you throw out any of them at all? Ever?
...THE BAD...
Dear 16 year old O, I didn't ridicule anything here. So please do not ridicule me on your blog or FaceBook or Twitter or whatever else you are on. And do not reveal any of our family (my) particularities. I love your stuff honey. And if you are an artist by now, I will buy all your paintings. 
PS: Please stop drawing on your father. 
PPS: Sorry about all the psychoanalysis to figure out what you feel about your mother. I had to watch my back. I love you. 

So folks, tell me what do you do with all the stuff your child creates? When does it become ok to 'keep' some stuff...just some stuff outside the house and on the curb, neatly wrapped in a black plastic bag?

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There is a blogger that I follow - Dani Ryan on her blog Cloudy, with a Chance of Wine, who puts a huge goofy grin on my face each day. 

Dani is super funny and such a warm soul. What I like best about her apart from her OMG-pee-your-panties kind of funnies, is that she responds to all the comments that her readers leave her. And we love her for it. 

Recently she posted 10 Things I enjoy when my Husband is away on Business. She is one softie and misses her husband when he is away. 

I commented with 10 things of my own. I am not a softie. Enough said. 
Sorry that I didn't type it all up or copy it over. I am just made that way. 

And Dani did say she would be honored. Go on and get your wine over at Cloudy, with a chance of Wine. Cheers Dani!

Name something that you would do when the cat is away, won't you? 

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Yes, I am this woman!
I am that kind of woman...
*slightly shame faced, slightly defiant, mostly sheepish* 

  • who dresses her kids in the clothes they will go to Daycare the next day. They don't wear PJs except on the weekend. 
  • who bribes her kids (and yes, I have bribed some playdates too behind their mother's backs) with candy. Sorry about your kids but it is your fault. You let them get out of control that someone had to do something and in my house, candy works. 
  • who will come back and correct errors on her blog posts long long after they have been published because I can't live knowing I made a mistake. 
  • who relies on the 3rd parent in our home. DJ Lance and his friends or Fresh Beat Band. 'O, you have to eat your veggies or DJ Lance will be sad; O, you need to stop jumping on the couch or Foofa will never come on TV; O you need to drink your milk or else Moono will drink it all'. 
  • who will not pick the right size of clothes because that would mean moving to the larger size. NOOO! I rather remain in pinching clothes and denial. 
  • who eats all the kids' leftovers and sometimes before they say that they are all done. 
  • who will eat just a dainty salad for lunch and then eat couple of bars of chocolates or chip bags to make up.
  • who will not feign a headache any night because if someone wants to make a sweaty, hairy, vomit or poop stained, sticky haired, bitten finger nailed, nag feel like a woman, Hell I am not going to say NO. 
  • who while walking down a long hallway with a person walking towards her will always develop an itchy nose, wedged panty and a tic by the time she gets to the other end of the hall. But seriously, what do you do when a stranger is walking right at you down a hallway? Where do you look? Straight ahead, at your phone, finger nails? So Awkward. 
  • who finds every shortcut in parenting. EVERY. 
  • who, since motherhood believes in every God possible. 
  • who doesn't do her feet in the winters and just throws a pair of socks on. 
  • who will wear sweatpants whole day and grocery shop in them, go to the bank in them and sometimes sleep in them - so that I don't have to change the next morning when I take the kids to Daycare. 
  • who will smudge her nail paint a few minutes after it's painted on. 
  • who doesn't use any apps or all the features on her phone. Worse, she has both an Android and iPhone. Totally wasted on her. 
  • who cuts costs and budgets well only to blow it all up on nail paint, children's clothes or shoes. 
  • who re-gifts the stuff I get. (*shame face and pout*)
  • who does most of her reading on the toilet throne
  • who cannot throw or give away any of the small children's clothes or shoes because they are adorable and hasn't been worn enough. 
  • who makes endless, meaningless lists. 
  • who will cry at the plight of any and every child.
  • who will imagine the worse - THE WORSE when a phone call goes unanswered, husband is a few minutes late, unschedule call from home or the daycare or while lying sleepless at night. 
  • who will log off Facebook and then check Facebook on her phone. 
  • who loves children except those whose parents haven't bothered to wipe green snot off their noses. 
  • who will post a picture where she looks good even if everyone else looks terrible or wasn't ready for the picture. 
Atleast here... I cropped everyone else! Haha!
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