Look at her sleep... as if she did a whole day of slaving and cleaning!
Don't look like someone is going to run away with your bottle!
Nobody really tells you this stuff but this also happens after that wonderful bundle of joy arrives. 

1. All those endless advices that you will get? Yeah, totally useless. The one that I hated the most - sleep when the baby sleeps. I pooped and shaved my arms when the baby slept. 

2. The joys of breastfeeding. What they don't tell you is that - the joy comes after atleast two weeks of excruciating pain. You suffer unimaginable pain learning the art of nursing. I wanted to tear my boobs off and bury it in some yard during the first 2 weeks. 

3. Postpartum depression is real. Give in to the tears and talk as much as you can. My doctor asked me if I felt like hurting myself or the baby. When I said 'No', she said, 'Good, you have no depression'. I cried in the shower everyday for two weeks for NO REASON and couldn't sleep at all during that time. I scared myself. It passed. But that turned out to be the longest two weeks of my life. 

4. You are still pregnant. 2 weeks after lil O came, I was riding up the elevator. A family with a baby got on. The lady smiled at me sweetly and asked how far along was I. I said, my baby is 2 weeks old and at home. She said, 'Really? so is mine'. Needless to say she did not look like me. That b!tch. 

5. I never glowed during my pregnancies. And after my pregnancies, I think I just shriveled and got all gnarled. My hair began falling out, my face wasn't my face, gosh-the-acne and oh-my-God the stretch marks! This too shall pass. 

6. That new baby sleeps a whole lot. A WHOLE lot. Find something to do. At first I attempted to do chores and clean. Then I realized that I need pick-me-ups, so I started reading or doing my nails or talking to friends and if nothing else I did catch some sleep too. It made me feel better. 

7. All those amazing and expensive baby products? Not so convenient and easy as it looked, right? I spent atleast half an hour trying to figure out how the bottle warmer worked. I tossed it right after. 

8. Everyone from your mailman to the cashier at 7/11 knows everything about taking care of a baby and they are all telling you that you are not a good parent. 

9. Someone told BK this and I can't tell you how true this is - 'Everyone will take care of the baby; You take care of your wife, right now she is the one who needs it the most.' Oh boy, did I need that care. Thank you sir!

10. Eating well, staying relatively cheerful helps your nursing. Stressing, worrying, skipping meals and skipping nursing are sure shot ways of remaining unable to nurse. 

11. There will be atleast 2 people who will not like your baby's name. You will be asked atleast twice if it was already final final final. And there will be plenty of people who will mispronounce it even if it is as simple as 'Bo' or 'Emma'. 

12. You know how they tell you not to overshop for clothes? Yeah, you should atleast have 2 weeks worth of baby clothes and two days worth of  baby bottles. This is to avoid having to do laundry and wash bottles everyday. 

13, Someone will discuss your weight. You need to ignore them but you will not be able to. On another note, one glass of red wine is harmless even for nursing mothers. 

14. Have some good friends on stand by. Shamelessly invite them, leave your baby and your boobs (or bottles work well too) with them and disappear for a little. Your baby will be fine. Your friend - not so much. 

15. There will be times when your baby cries non-stop for no reason. No milk, pacifier, swinging, swaying, singing, music, talking or wailing will work. After the initial panic, I would remove every stitch of clothing on my child and then re-dress her. Sometimes that won't work either. This too shall pass. 

16. There will be moments that you hate various people in your life for no reason, starting with your husband. 

17. There will be atleast one moment where you think, 'Hmmmm motherhood, well it's not all what it is made out to be'. This too shall pass. 

18. You may or may not be constipated, bloated, gassy. This too may or may not pass. 

19. None of your clothes will fit. Your maternity wear is not endearing any more and your old clothes still do not fit. Just buy more clothes yourself. It is great therapy to shop. 

20. Baby clothes are adorable. But trying to put them on, argh! The more adorable they are, the harder it will be to push a wiggly head, arm or bum through their tiny necks and armholes. 

21. Do not go to Babies R Us and do not send the husband alone to Babies R Us either. They have every imaginable or unimaginable products designed to make motherhood and parenthood easier. And they are mostly wrong. 
  • Bottle Warmers come with almost the same instructions as your microwave for heating baby bottles
  • Wipes Warmer - her bum is dirty not cold
  • Bottle Sterilizer - you wash and load your bottles, wait till it's done and promptly remove bottles before water condenses, make sure water level is right, make sure it is atleast half full... wait, this sounds like you are babysitting a sterilizer! 
  • Crib Bedding and bumper - what? SIDS associations say nothing goes in the crib except the baby? Bummer!
  • Diaper Genie - to me a true genie would change the baby's dirty diaper. If it doesn't do that but just pretends to secure a dirty diaper until you take the trash out - that's not a genie. 

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I wrote this when I was 4 months pregnant with lil O and gosh, was I hormonal (sure, blame it on the hormones!)! 

The ride has been… well, extremely bumpy. The guy upstairs has SUCH a great sense of humor. He lets me run wild, amok as a shooting-off-the-mouth tomboy more than half my life and then when I get pregnant, he gives me every oh-so-typical symptom in the book – throwing up (thank God, I practiced hard during my beer ping pong days), fainting spells, acne, whines, tears at diaper ads…. Oh, what a wonderful ride!

I thought the reprieve would come in some form perhaps - the sympathetic and ready-to-help reaction from family and friends but there’s that sense of humor again! Some of the reactions were: 

- Finally! You were getting so OLD. 30, aren't you? Hope the baby will be OK and not weird! (Thanks! I hope ‘hormones’ is a good homicide defense)
- Oh! Were you planning? (No, I tripped and fell ofcourse!)
- WOW… how are you going to manage? (Well, lucky me, I am pregnant with an excellent dish washer, lawn mover and laundry folder!)
- Congrats! Surprise was it? Never imagined! (Yes…yes… total mistake this one! We are gonna call it Oops!)
- So you did it! (Gosh, how else?!)
- Nice but were you guys trying? (Yeah, real hard and drunk!)
- So are you gonna quit work? (yes, life stops for me now… I am going quit my job, cut my cable, electricity and move to the forest and become Amish) 
- I hope you gave up drinking (Nope, why stop now? Got me here, it better see me through!)
- What? OMG… Really? For real? Why didn't you tell me? 3 months? And NOW you tell us? (Sorry that I didn't invite you to the pee-on-the-stick event)

Then there are those who immediately reach out and touch/rub/tap/pat your tummy… I mean, really? My uterus is much lower than that - that bump you are lovingly rubbing was my after lunch snack! Also why don’t you  rub my boobs too? They are mighty sore! I especially love it when absolute strangers reach out and rub my tummy - on subways, at work, in line at Starbucks (where I am trying to hide and buy regular coffee than decaf!), in the ladies room and even when I am stuffing my face. 

Sigh! How much more of all this would I tolerate, I don’t know but I knew I was gonna love being here when I saw the little thing’s heartbeat… and then saw it wriggling around and kicking out and moving about… I must admit, it’s something else! Never mind, the bloating, the nausea, the gas (oh the gas!), the expanding waistline & boobs & butt… never mind the lack of energy, appetite or sex … I think I will be very very happy, come this November (2010)! 
I am excited & scared but c'mon… a little whiny thing… how hard can it be? <gulp>. 

To the moms everywhere- WOW to you. To the ones planning a baby: Let's be stupid and incredible together. 
And to my single & no-kids friends: You bloody lucky B******!