I am one of those moms who everyone stares at because their child has the loudest voice at Target! Yes, I know what you are thinking - 'this woman is batsh!t crazy and is probably on "medicinal" marijuana'. 

You don't understand. I am awesome. I have read from cover to cover 'What to expect when you are expecting', 'What to expect, the first year', 'What to expect, the second year', 'What to expect, the toddler year' and various other books. I know this sh!t perfect. 

I know exactly what to feed them, how to feed them, how to say NO, when to say YES, how to control them, their bedtime ritual (I can be your Pandora on standby with lullabies), I know why a poop is missing its consistency, how to potty train, or clean a potty mouth, I know how to make clothes last longer, how to make my own home grown organic carrots, how to get them to keep medicines down. I know it all. 

Problem is - someone forgot to give me the children associated with these books. 

The kids that I imagined (twin girls, a prodigy astronaut and a spelling bee champion) followed all my rules (oh, and the number of rules there were!). And life was just like the books said it would be. 

But those were not the kids I got. 

Mine has decided that despite all the one million toys she has, she still needs to play with my phone and credit card (telling of the times to come). 
Mine has decided that if I make pasta, she wants rice that night but if I made both, then she wants a salad. 
Mine has decided that if we are taking her out, she will wait to poop when she is strapped into the car seat and on the highway. 
Mine has figured out that mamma is lying about spiders growing in her teeth if she doesn't brush and now will go back to eating her fruity tooth paste. 
Mine has decided that when its 8:30PM everyday, she shall start playing rigorously and running around the living room chanting various things she saw Barney do. 
Mine has decided to shake her baby sister awake and ask her if she was sleeping. 
Mine has decided that teethers are so cool and shall bite into them and drink the liquid in them.
Mine has decided that water in the toilet can also be used to wash hands. 
Mine has decided to say 'Silly Goose' to mamma and dada to dismiss their orders to eat, to stop playing with food, to pick it up off the floor, to not stamp on it, to not rub it into the rug and finally to not eat the stamped mush off the carpet!
Mine has decided that if I say 'NO', she will just run a little farther away from me and do it anyways. 
Mine has decided that if I say, 'Only one, ok'? then she will say 'Ok, only two, ok mamma, I love you.' and then end the discussion. 
Mine has figured out how to say 'Talk to the hand' without giving me the hand!

Therefore I am writing my own 'What to accept and its quick fixes'. 

I will bribe my child with candy to buy their silence at stores, churches, airplanes, infact any public place. I will binge eat some of that candy myself.
I will bring store bought cookies, cakes or cupcakes to a homemade potluck day at Day Care. 
I will sip (or gulp depending on what day it is) a bit of wino to make things tolerable on a hard day. 
I will pay attention to tantrums and sometimes make them worse because I can't ignore loud banging noises, yelling and crying and because I am not Supernanny and am not made of gravel and cement.
I will not take every single opportunity to teach little hidden lessons because sometimes I miss it myself. 
I will allow my child to eat what she wants just so that I can check off 'Fed Child' on my Baby Center checklists for perfect mommies. And yes, this includes Soda. 
I will allow myself and my child to wear any clothes we prefer that day. For her - mismatched, color challenged choices and for me - the same sweatpants 3rd day in a row. 

I am happy. My child is happy. We are not going to peel each onion peel and figure out how we got there. And yes, when you see us arm wrestling on the floor at Target - get out of there fast because I am batsh!t crazy. 


01/07/2013 1:08am

OMG!! you are fascinatingly hilarious!!! :D absolutely love ur flair for expressing ur thoughts!! xoxox keep going.. its fab!

01/19/2013 7:54am

G, are u talking bout ur kid or the kids all over the world... :-)when i read it i got a Deja vu feeling.... then i realized that this is wat happens with my kid too :-)


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