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Look at her sleep... as if she did a whole day of slaving and cleaning!
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Don't look like someone is going to run away with your bottle!
Nobody really tells you this stuff but this also happens after that wonderful bundle of joy arrives. 

1. All those endless advices that you will get? Yeah, totally useless. The one that I hated the most - sleep when the baby sleeps. I pooped and shaved my arms when the baby slept. 

2. The joys of breastfeeding. What they don't tell you is that - the joy comes after atleast two weeks of excruciating pain. You suffer unimaginable pain learning the art of nursing. I wanted to tear my boobs off and bury it in some yard during the first 2 weeks. 

3. Postpartum depression is real. Give in to the tears and talk as much as you can. My doctor asked me if I felt like hurting myself or the baby. When I said 'No', she said, 'Good, you have no depression'. I cried in the shower everyday for two weeks for NO REASON and couldn't sleep at all during that time. I scared myself. It passed. But that turned out to be the longest two weeks of my life. 

4. You are still pregnant. 2 weeks after lil O came, I was riding up the elevator. A family with a baby got on. The lady smiled at me sweetly and asked how far along was I. I said, my baby is 2 weeks old and at home. She said, 'Really? so is mine'. Needless to say she did not look like me. That b!tch. 

5. I never glowed during my pregnancies. And after my pregnancies, I think I just shriveled and got all gnarled. My hair began falling out, my face wasn't my face, gosh-the-acne and oh-my-God the stretch marks! This too shall pass. 

6. That new baby sleeps a whole lot. A WHOLE lot. Find something to do. At first I attempted to do chores and clean. Then I realized that I need pick-me-ups, so I started reading or doing my nails or talking to friends and if nothing else I did catch some sleep too. It made me feel better. 

7. All those amazing and expensive baby products? Not so convenient and easy as it looked, right? I spent atleast half an hour trying to figure out how the bottle warmer worked. I tossed it right after. 

8. Everyone from your mailman to the cashier at 7/11 knows everything about taking care of a baby and they are all telling you that you are not a good parent. 

9. Someone told BK this and I can't tell you how true this is - 'Everyone will take care of the baby; You take care of your wife, right now she is the one who needs it the most.' Oh boy, did I need that care. Thank you sir!

10. Eating well, staying relatively cheerful helps your nursing. Stressing, worrying, skipping meals and skipping nursing are sure shot ways of remaining unable to nurse. 

11. There will be atleast 2 people who will not like your baby's name. You will be asked atleast twice if it was already final final final. And there will be plenty of people who will mispronounce it even if it is as simple as 'Bo' or 'Emma'. 

12. You know how they tell you not to overshop for clothes? Yeah, you should atleast have 2 weeks worth of baby clothes and two days worth of  baby bottles. This is to avoid having to do laundry and wash bottles everyday. 

13, Someone will discuss your weight. You need to ignore them but you will not be able to. On another note, one glass of red wine is harmless even for nursing mothers. 

14. Have some good friends on stand by. Shamelessly invite them, leave your baby and your boobs (or bottles work well too) with them and disappear for a little. Your baby will be fine. Your friend - not so much. 

15. There will be times when your baby cries non-stop for no reason. No milk, pacifier, swinging, swaying, singing, music, talking or wailing will work. After the initial panic, I would remove every stitch of clothing on my child and then re-dress her. Sometimes that won't work either. This too shall pass. 

16. There will be moments that you hate various people in your life for no reason, starting with your husband. 

17. There will be atleast one moment where you think, 'Hmmmm motherhood, well it's not all what it is made out to be'. This too shall pass. 

18. You may or may not be constipated, bloated, gassy. This too may or may not pass. 

19. None of your clothes will fit. Your maternity wear is not endearing any more and your old clothes still do not fit. Just buy more clothes yourself. It is great therapy to shop. 

20. Baby clothes are adorable. But trying to put them on, argh! The more adorable they are, the harder it will be to push a wiggly head, arm or bum through their tiny necks and armholes. 

21. Do not go to Babies R Us and do not send the husband alone to Babies R Us either. They have every imaginable or unimaginable products designed to make motherhood and parenthood easier. And they are mostly wrong. 
  • Bottle Warmers come with almost the same instructions as your microwave for heating baby bottles
  • Wipes Warmer - her bum is dirty not cold
  • Bottle Sterilizer - you wash and load your bottles, wait till it's done and promptly remove bottles before water condenses, make sure water level is right, make sure it is atleast half full... wait, this sounds like you are babysitting a sterilizer! 
  • Crib Bedding and bumper - what? SIDS associations say nothing goes in the crib except the baby? Bummer!
  • Diaper Genie - to me a true genie would change the baby's dirty diaper. If it doesn't do that but just pretends to secure a dirty diaper until you take the trash out - that's not a genie. 

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Rima Patel
03/20/2013 4:23pm

Absolutely true!..its like reading what I felt

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Jen
03/21/2013 12:44pm

At first I thought I was it... the odd apple.

Phew!

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Merly
03/21/2013 5:09am

You made my day!! I am absolutely positive that I won't find a much more honest opinon as to how I felt after I was done having my boy! Btw Happy Mother's Day!!

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03/21/2013 12:45pm

:)

This is not even a complete list!
Cheers to all Parents!
And Happy mother's Day all year round!

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minsi
03/21/2013 6:36am

Ditto! Word for word! :) And #9 is very very important... It makes a world of difference when the hubby is there for the new mother... This would serve as a good heads-up for people who have an expectant mother or new mother in the family...

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03/21/2013 12:46pm

Yes! I was so touched with BK told me what his friend said! Such a wise man!

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Shereen
03/21/2013 12:07pm

Ha! ,.... These will be good pointers for me,.... for the days i dread to even think about !!
I have seen my sis, literally go through a roller coaster with her 3 kids (and still does) and each time is different from the earlier one. I have often asked her how she manages, and she just smiles and says "HE will give you the strength at the right time".

A big salute to all the mothers out there!

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03/21/2013 12:46pm

Yes, HE will.

Salute to all moms and their support system in sisters, girlfriends and their men!

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Ben
03/21/2013 2:20pm

Hey Jen,
Thanks for the advice. Definitely taking pointers from you.
We're seriously considering #14...What was your number again? :-P

btw... Love the blog. It's very entertaining :-)

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03/21/2013 3:22pm

Awwww... very excited for you and wifey!

Yes, take our help... oh wait... we moved to the woods.

And thank you!

Btw, you are the first male reader to comment. YAY! *Grinning*

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sandra
03/21/2013 8:58pm

you said it Jen! what we all try to keep to ourselves or go through and find hard sharing it with close friends, coz you think you're the only one out there feeling the same.the others seemed to have a smooth sailing...breast feeding etc...

I've often thought of writing it for myself.but not to share. thanks for putting it up so we all know we are not alone!

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03/22/2013 11:39am

We are never alone. Never.
This I assure you.
Cheers to moms everywhere who go through this and more!

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03/22/2013 9:35am

I LOVED this list!!! I really really really did. Thank you!!

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03/22/2013 11:46am

Thank you Alison. I am sure all moms can add much more to this list.

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03/25/2013 3:26pm

#4--REALLY? As if that response from her was necessary at ALL. Ugh.
And #1--You know what I did with my time while the baby slept? Wasted it trying to decide what I wanted to do with that precious time that the baby slept. I never got anything done! :)

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03/25/2013 3:55pm

Right? RIGHT?? Some people!

Hahaha... yes, I did that too. In the first week I stood over my baby's crib because I didn't know if that 1 week old would choke or stop breathing or find other ways to kill herself. Literally stood there for hours! I guess the hair on my arms just grew out with all that standing and I smartened up to shaving!

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03/26/2013 11:38pm

OMG, I SO did that, too!!

05/07/2013 8:30am

LOL. Excellent :)

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05/07/2013 12:21pm

*deep bow*

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