In a few days, I will get an expensive gift. 

In a few days, BK and I will hit a small milestone in our journey together. 5 years of staying married, of surviving with each other and despite each other. For good, great or bad, we made 5 years worth of memories. 

We learnt a lot too. 

1. Pick your battles. The war goes on forever. 
2. Bodily functions are just that. They may look yucky, sound funny and definitely smell terrible but they do not define a person. Just what he ate that morning. 
3. Hide your flaws in his imperfections. Embrace both. 
4. Conventions and stereotypes have no place in your marriage. Define your own terms. He cooks; she fixes. He does the math; she shops. He takes pictures; she balances the checkbook. It's all good. 
5. Park your arguments and present an united front to your common frenemy - your sly children. 
6. After the kids come along and there's been plenty of loud crying - your tears are not going to stand a chance in melting any hearts. Don't bother. 
7. There is no HIS' and HER'S... whoever get's there first and whoever blinks first is what matters. 
8. No matter what, the other person's side of the bed is cooler, softer and more comfortable. 
9. Don't keep tabs on anything. Tabs just show that it's still countable and not countless. 
10. Let's face it - after a closet full of clothes, she still has nothing to wear and just about every sport in the world is riveting to him. 

Bonus Point: At the end of every day and every hurdle, you love him and he loves you and together you guys love beer. So Cheers!

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There were many times in my life where I did not know better like yesterday when I said, "I am going to quit all carbs". Hahahahahah *tears*
What I should have said, "I am going to try to limit the amount of carbs I shove down my throat". 














There are several such things and here are a few:

1. "I believe the two biggest time wasting activities in life are 'Toilet Time' and 'Sleeping'. That's wasting precious time" as said to my best friend when I was an idiot and 16 years of age. 

2. "I hate long commutes. Such long hours of sitting still and doing nothing.", as said to BK and insisting on moving closer to work. He agreed. Another idiot. Such long peaceful without kids time has been lost. 

3. "I will be my kids' best friend unlike you people." as said to my smirking parents. 

4. "I want a job where it's all glamour with make up and travel and high power meetings." The only make up I put on is painting my eyes wide open and I shudder at any travel because of all the pre-work at home. 

5. "I want a large large family... one where I can run my own country with", said amongst friends in a happy happy state. 

6. "I want our children to go to private school, eat organic food, learn to read like on of those 'Your Baby Can Read' programs and play serious sports", said I, in a hormone driven craze while pregnant for the first time.

7. "I know what I am talking about". Should have said that I know what I read on some random forum on google. 

8. "I will never give my child processed foods", said I when I didn't know better. 

9. "I can't ever imagine a life without high heels", yeah, imagine it b!atch!

10. "It is JUST NOT lady like to fart out loud...I could never ever do that", said I before I knew what it was like to be pregnant and throwing up. Thanks BK for helping me out with that one. 

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A lot. 

We went off to India this year for our vacation. For us, a trip to India is not a vacation. It is anything and everything but. 
Well, because we are over-related to every person that we come across. Pick any random man - there, how about that gentleman wearing just a lungi, scratching his crotch across the street. Yes! He apparently is our great-grandfather's brother-in-law's brother's wife's cousin's grandson. And now that he has seen you looking at him, you need to pay him and his family a visit and ofcourse, you can't arrive empty handed! This is exactly why 3 weeks were not good enough. 

India has a charm, a gripping charm that claws through the heat and humidity and grasps your heart, invades your mind and just refuses to leave. 

It does that to me every time I am on her soil and this time I watched as it gripped my daughters. Well, atleast lil O. She loved it there. Never mind the heat, never mind the humidity, never mind the noise...she had all her senses invoked and her curiosity sated. 

With all the inventions that man has made towards superficial beauty - why isn't there anything that soothes crazy humidity hair? 

Anyways, we returned about a week ago and we are still half here and half there. There are baggage artfully hidden under piles of clothes, laundry to clear and things to put away. There is stuff on every single surface in this house. This is not to mention the jet-lag or exhaustion that we are still under. 

I seriously need a vacation to recover from this one. But then I haven't been on a vacation in 2 and a half years. Yes, lil O is 2 and 1/2. 

And lil A is all of 9 months! Happy 9th lil A!

Lil O's accomplishments are far too many to list. Except for eating properly, she does everything including throwing diva tantrums. We are stuck at trying to potty train. This is a conversation she had with one of our friends:
O: Nick-uncle, you wearing diaper?
N: *laughing* No, I don't wear diaper.
O: *dropping her voice* You wearing underwear.
N: *laughing so hard* Yes, I wear underwear. 
O now looks super impressed. 

Lil A crawls around expertly and stands while clinging onto anything she can hold. She is a funny and happy little cookie. 

Mother's Day was awesome. Not because that's one day that we are appreciated or any such thing but because the father's behind the scene do so much and make the effort and that's heart warming. 

So I guess that's what's going on at this end of the world and that's why I have been awfully quiet around here. 

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I am sure there are some great things about being back from a long vacation. Yes, I am sure. 

Let me go ahead and start without thinking through (that's the first sign that you were on a vacation and are now in some form of withdrawal!)

1. You have effectively forgotten all your work related passwords. You get asked by the helpline:
'Do you remember your previous password? No
Can you give me the phone number you registered with us for password recovery? I don't remember.
Can you tell me your work ID? I don't know it. 
Can you give me your Secret answer for data recovery? I don't remember. 
Can you give us your joining date? 3..no, four, no 3..definitely 4 years ago... it was summer - so maybe June or August?
Ma'am, do you really work with us?'

2. It's like someone rearranged your entire house in your absence. ENTIRE.HOUSE. Seriously. Including the light switches and all. 

3. Someone died in your refrigerator. 

4. Your brain is melted cheese and you just want to eat it. 

5. You sob like a baby when you have to wake up and it's Monday morning and it's your first day back to work. 

6. You are back from a 3 week vacation and you look like you returned from a ship wreck. 

7. There is nothing to eat at home. How is that possible? Maybe that person who died in your refrigerator ate himself to death. And you and your husband are avoiding looking at each other because the topic of who needs to go grocery shopping will come up.

8. You can't unpack because you do not know where anything goes in the house. Remember? Someone rearranged the entire house. 

9. You discover that life didn't stop when you were away. 
You get told, 'Jen, this document is due on Wednesday - that is tomorrow.'
Me: 'But I was on vacation and I just got back'.
Evil man: 'Exactly. Due tomorrow'.

Bills: 'You are late with your payment'
Me: 'But I was on vacation. I wasn't here on that date.'
Bills: 'In that case, please include the late payment fee and interest.'

Cable: 'Reduced service. Bill unpaid'.
Me: 'But I was on vacation.'
Cable: 'So many of your shows haven't been DVRed. You still owe me.'

10. You can't buy anything until an appropriate amount of guilt period has subsided. You did overspend on that vacation, right?

11. Kids do not understand jetlag. Infact they do not understand anything after a vacation. 

12. You have no clue what rules have changed in your absence. Do they still bathe everyday? 

13. Someone also died in one suitcase where all the dirty laundry is neatly packed. 

14. No one has been excitedly waiting for you to return. So when you call couple of your friends up, they run straight into their day to day issues and you have to remind them that you were away for 3 weeks, remember? And when they ask you how your vacation was, you say, 'FINE'. 

15. When did you get so fat? Did someone rearrange the internals on this weighing scale? 

Oh, wait... this was supposed to be 15 great things? This is what a vacation does to you! Well.. there are these pics of great times. 

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Flying has always been stressful. And for parents' with toddlers, dreadful. 

When I was preparing to take our first flight with Lil O, I like every dutiful parent and traveler, asked the Lords of Google what I should do. 

And you know what I was looking for? How to ensure that my child doesn't bother all the other travelers. I was worried about others. Not me, not BK and definitely not as much about Lil O. I packed every sort of entertainment, teethers, toys that do not make too much noise but just enough to hold her attention, books, food and lastly, as a last resort a bottle of Baby Benadryl. 

So I began looking around to see what travelers without kids are being told by the Lords of Google. You know what they are told? Pretty much nothing and just enough to tell them to avoid any sight of children and parents with them. 

For all parents traveling with kids. You have the right to travel without being shunned, eyes rolled at, smirks, grumbled about and complained about. 

These notes are for those folks who all parents have been trying so hard not to offend. Let me take the pleasure. 

1. You are welcome. We do our best not to bother you. Extend the courtesy please. 

2. Imagine a child who knows nothing much, being strapped to a chair in a metal tube with some windows that look out to pretty much empty space and then being hurtled at intense speeds through the skies without any guarantee of anything? Not the same as being tossed in the air playfully by a loving parent, is it? Try and understand. 

3. There is this incredible device called "Head Phones". Through it miraculously lovely music can be enjoyed, books be heard and all sorts of things. When was the last time you were read to? Come on, try it. Even if you do not like it or want to. 

4. You are better off than atleast 1 other person - the parent of the wailing child. You can shrug it off, roll your eyes and shut them, turn around, move seats, anything. Apparently we are not allowed to disown or toss the child out of a moving flight, moving anything actually. So we are stuck trying to deal with it. You are definitely better off. 

5. You were a child once. And if you are complaining about the crying or yelling child and creating problems for us, then I am afraid you were raised without any compassion for others. That's not good. 

6. To those who were parents to toddlers once - you know what it's like. Don't pretend you do not. Squeeze my arm in support. And NO, please refrain from any unsolicited advice. Please. 

7. To those who are planning kids - no, this is the worst of it. The happier times are incredibly awesome. Also if you are being mean about it, the karma is going to hit the ceiling on you. 

8. To those who hate kids. I guess it looks like they don't like you much either. 

9. You can complain about my child as much as you want to and to whomever you want. Know this, noone can boot us out now, I mean we are in mid air. And noone can do anything much about it....except ME. That's right. You just pissed me off. So calming that child has taken a lower priority. 

10. No, we dread giving any form of medication to induce sleep. But you feel free to use it and knock yourself out. 

11. Yes, there are several things you can do. First and foremost, ignore us and pretend nothing is going on. If not, then offer us the window seat for a while. Or give us some fascinating gadget or book that you have. No, we parents are fearful of damaging other people's things and will not ruin it. 

12. Do not offer me or my child candy. The sugar crash is worse. The hyperactivity from the sugar is crazy. 

13. Do offer me a drink. 

14. There are very very few parents who will ignore a troublesome child and let them bother other travelers. That is most parents' nightmare. So yes, we are doing 'something' about it. Infact we are doing 'everything' we can about it. If you do not agree, feel free to babysit, b!tch!

15. When you travel, please be realistic. The world's population is not booming by people not procreating and without children running around. Plan for it. Get a good pair of headphones, books and eye masks. Get Prozac and share it with me. Get a chartered flight to take you or me to our destination. I don't know, you are the one who is irked. You figure it out. 

16. Please don't be mean. I am stressed about flying. I am stressed that I may have forgotten something for the baby. I am worried that the child will catch something that you may have bought onto the plane. I am worried that the flight will crash. I am afraid that someone will hijack the flight. What? You are worried now too? Puts things in perspective, doesn't it? But I have to do this with a screaming, restless child in my arms. So let's worry about getting there in one piece, shall we?

17. Sorry but yes I do HAVE to get up so many times. All those last times were to get water for my child, change diapers, stretch her legs. These few times are for me to empty my bursting bladder or wet my parched throat. So, I am really sorry that you have to move your legs or let me pass. And no, it has NOT been a 'hundred times already'!

18. It's just a spill. Clean it and move on. Who doesn't pack an extra pair of pants or tee these days? Gosh, for pete's sake. You are worse than my child!

19. If my child took something of yours and if I haven't reacted yet, it is PURELY because I didn't see it. I promise. If you politely tell me, I will move heaven and earth to give it back to you immediately and undamaged. Please do not start with the 'poor parents' and 'lack of discipline'. 

20. We too paid full fare for this flight. If we could have, we would have avoided this trip completely. Noone in their right mind would pay all that money to fly with a restless, cranky child or two or more. So we are not in our right mind. That's not good for you. Please stay out of our sight and way. 

Is there anything else you would like to add?

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Seriously... Cmon God, these kids are perfect beings. All you need to do is change that chip which makes them say 'No' and just make them say the following:

1. YES! Sure. I will. 

2. Ok, if you say so. (So parents would be let off from having to say Because I said so!)

3. I will go to sleep now. No, don't bother carrying me up to bed. I get around to the most unsafest places by myself, so I can get to my safe bed in my safe room by myself. 

4. Thank You! Please. 

5. Yes, this is yummy. I love the color on this - green. It's beautiful. I will eat it all without shoving it around my plate or behind the couch or under the table. 

6. I love you always even when you have goofed up, forgotten my lunch, forgotten the poop in my diaper, for frozen or leftover dinners and for drinking. 

7. Oh... you look tired. I shall stop this clanking, banging, yelling, singing, clapping right now and wait till you feel better. 

8. Sure, I shall lie down and be very still while you change me and will not attempt to stick my hand in my diaper or worse stick it in my mouth after. 

9. Sorry mom for biting you there. Won't happen again. While I am at it, I will also stop pulling your hair or scratching you. 

10. Mom, can you clip my nails please? I just want to make sure that I don't scratch you or worse scratch myself pretty bad and then make other pretentious mothers judge you as a bad mother. 

11. Mom and Dad, I promise not to grasp any of the foul words that you frequently toss about. 

12. I promise not to learn to spell until I turn 5 and when I do, I will catch up fast and turn out to be a Spelling Bee Champion. So carry on talking about T-I-M-E-O-U-T and H-I-D-D-E-N-C-A-N-D-Y.

13. I will not repeat anything you say about my daycare buddies and their mommies anywhere. 

14. I will not come and jump in your bed on weekend mornings and will sleep till it's noon. 

15. I do not want another toy, thank you. 

16. Please don't save for my college tuition or wedding or any such thing. Please use everything you earn to have vacations with us, drink and have fun. I will become a singing protege and rise to fame and buy you a house soon. 

17. I can get my own dinner. Do you want anything from the fridge?

18. Did you have a rough day at work? Why don't you put your feet up? I will not poop or pee myself or spill anything until you are ready to get off your bum. 

19. I promise to say hello, say my name, sing your favorite song, talk sweet when all your friends are over and on demand. I will not embarrass you or make you have to tell all your friends that I am normal. 

20. Allow me to clean that up please. 

Please add anything else that I may have overlooked. By commenting, you are signing this petition to the higher powers that exist. 

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You know how it's very gut wrenching to leave a reluctant (read brawling) child at Day Care or Play School or in the closet while you go off to work. It is very hard, very hard. 

So when I get back from being a sharp shooting, no nonsense, suit wearing professional, I change into my poop covered Mommy hat and rush to the Day Care. 

My daughter returns home with an armful of the day's art and craft. 

I remember the first time I got the first scrap of paper, wrestled from her tiny mouth and sumo-wrestler strong arms, I was thrilled. It stayed on my refrigerator for months. 

Lil O's daycare has some awesome and creative teachers. They make amazing stuff and pictures. The kids' get lucky to get themselves dirty, covered in paint, shaving cream, water colors, melted candy and several other messy things. 

And thank you teachers for taking that responsibility off my hands and out of my house. 

They also make adorable stuff from toilet paper cardboard rolls, disposable plates, tissues, brown paper bags, straws etc. I love those lessons. 

Here are some of lil O's latest creations. 

Here are some of the stuff that I put up in her room. 

And then the Artiste went through some eccentric phases. I have more of these ones that you see below than any other. 

But here are more of the cute stuff. (Yes, I have now become that crazy parent who will tell you and show you every scrap of paper that their child has touched...need be, I will pull out a gun to your head).

Sometimes she gets dark too. 

Gulp.

Either ways, I love seeing what she has been upto each day. 

My only question is where do I put all the stuff that are...ahem ...not as ...artistically advanced as the rest... you know those less than masterpiece ones?

And for all readers belonging to the 'Thou-shalt-not-ridicule-your-child's-anything-including-poop' club, I love her stuff and store them all in this little overflowing box. 

But really? Do you throw out any of them at all? Ever?

Dear 16 year old O, I didn't ridicule anything here. So please do not ridicule me on your blog or FaceBook or Twitter or whatever else you are on. And do not reveal any of our family (my) particularities. I love your stuff honey. And if you are an artist by now, I will buy all your paintings. 
PS: Please stop drawing on your father. 
PPS: Sorry about all the psychoanalysis to figure out what you feel about your mother. I had to watch my back. I love you. 

So folks, tell me what do you do with all the stuff your child creates? When does it become ok to 'keep' some stuff...just some stuff outside the house and on the curb, neatly wrapped in a black plastic bag?

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There is a blogger that I follow - Dani Ryan on her blog Cloudy, with a Chance of Wine, who puts a huge goofy grin on my face each day. 

Dani is super funny and such a warm soul. What I like best about her apart from her OMG-pee-your-panties kind of funnies, is that she responds to all the comments that her readers leave her. And we love her for it. 

Recently she posted 10 Things I enjoy when my Husband is away on Business. She is one softie and misses her husband when he is away. 

I commented with 10 things of my own. I am not a softie. Enough said. 

Sorry that I didn't type it all up or copy it over. I am just made that way. 

And Dani did say she would be honored. Go on and get your wine over at Cloudy, with a chance of Wine. Cheers Dani!

Name something that you would do when the cat is away, won't you? 

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I am that kind of woman...
*slightly shame faced, slightly defiant, mostly sheepish* 

• who dresses her kids in the clothes they will go to Daycare the next day. They don't wear PJs except on the weekend. 
• who bribes her kids (and yes, I have bribed some playdates too behind their mother's backs) with candy. Sorry about your kids but it is your fault. You let them get out of control that someone had to do something and in my house, candy works. 
• who will come back and correct errors on her blog posts long long after they have been published because I can't live knowing I made a mistake. 
• who relies on the 3rd parent in our home. DJ Lance and his friends or Fresh Beat Band. 'O, you have to eat your veggies or DJ Lance will be sad; O, you need to stop jumping on the couch or Foofa will never come on TV; O you need to drink your milk or else Moono will drink it all'. 

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Nobody really tells you this stuff but this also happens after that wonderful bundle of joy arrives. 

1. All those endless advices that you will get? Yeah, totally useless. The one that I hated the most - sleep when the baby sleeps. I pooped and shaved my arms when the baby slept. 

2. The joys of breastfeeding. What they don't tell you is that - the joy comes after atleast two weeks of excruciating pain. You suffer unimaginable pain learning the art of nursing. I wanted to tear my boobs off and bury it in some yard during the first 2 weeks. 

3. Postpartum depression is real. Give in to the tears and talk as much as you can. My doctor asked me if I felt like hurting myself or the baby. When I said 'No', she said, 'Good, you have no depression'. I cried in the shower everyday for two weeks for NO REASON and couldn't sleep at all during that time. I scared myself. It passed. But that turned out to be the longest two weeks of my life. 

4. You are still pregnant. 2 weeks after lil O came, I was riding up the elevator. A family with a baby got on. The lady smiled at me sweetly and asked how far along was I. I said, my baby is 2 weeks old and at home. She said, 'Really? so is mine'. Needless to say she did not look like me. That b!tch. 

5. I never glowed during my pregnancies. And after my pregnancies, I think I just shriveled and got all gnarled. My hair began falling out, my face wasn't my face, gosh-the-acne and oh-my-God the stretch marks! This too shall pass. 

6. That new baby sleeps a whole lot. A WHOLE lot. Find something to do. At first I attempted to do chores and clean. Then I realized that I need pick-me-ups, so I started reading or doing my nails or talking to friends and if nothing else I did catch some sleep too. It made me feel better. 

7. All those amazing and expensive baby products? Not so convenient and easy as it looked, right? I spent atleast half an hour trying to figure out how the bottle warmer worked. I tossed it right after. 

8. Everyone from your mailman to the cashier at 7/11 knows everything about taking care of a baby and they are all telling you that you are not a good parent. 

9. Someone told BK this and I can't tell you how true this is - 'Everyone will take care of the baby; You take care of your wife, right now she is the one who needs it the most.' Oh boy, did I need that care. Thank you sir!

10. Eating well, staying relatively cheerful helps your nursing. Stressing, worrying, skipping meals and skipping nursing are sure shot ways of remaining unable to nurse. 

11. There will be atleast 2 people who will not like your baby's name. You will be asked atleast twice if it was already final final final. And there will be plenty of people who will mispronounce it even if it is as simple as 'Bo' or 'Emma'. 

12. You know how they tell you not to overshop for clothes? Yeah, you should atleast have 2 weeks worth of baby clothes and two days worth of  baby bottles. This is to avoid having to do laundry and wash bottles everyday. 

13, Someone will discuss your weight. You need to ignore them but you will not be able to. On another note, one glass of red wine is harmless even for nursing mothers. 

14. Have some good friends on stand by. Shamelessly invite them, leave your baby and your boobs (or bottles work well too) with them and disappear for a little. Your baby will be fine. Your friend - not so much. 

15. There will be times when your baby cries non-stop for no reason. No milk, pacifier, swinging, swaying, singing, music, talking or wailing will work. After the initial panic, I would remove every stitch of clothing on my child and then re-dress her. Sometimes that won't work either. This too shall pass. 

16. There will be moments that you hate various people in your life for no reason, starting with your husband. 

17. There will be atleast one moment where you think, 'Hmmmm motherhood, well it's not all what it is made out to be'. This too shall pass. 

18. You may or may not be constipated, bloated, gassy. This too may or may not pass. 

19. None of your clothes will fit. Your maternity wear is not endearing any more and your old clothes still do not fit. Just buy more clothes yourself. It is great therapy to shop. 

20. Baby clothes are adorable. But trying to put them on, argh! The more adorable they are, the harder it will be to push a wiggly head, arm or bum through their tiny necks and armholes. 

21. Do not go to Babies R Us and do not send the husband alone to Babies R Us either. They have every imaginable or unimaginable products designed to make motherhood and parenthood easier. And they are mostly wrong. 

• Bottle Warmers come with almost the same instructions as your microwave for heating baby bottles
• Wipes Warmer - her bum is dirty not cold
• Bottle Sterilizer - you wash and load your bottles, wait till it's done and promptly remove bottles before water condenses, make sure water level is right, make sure it is atleast half full... wait, this sounds like you are babysitting a sterilizer! 
• Crib Bedding and bumper - what? SIDS associations say nothing goes in the crib except the baby? Bummer!
• Diaper Genie - to me a true genie would change the baby's dirty diaper. If it doesn't do that but just pretends to secure a dirty diaper until you take the trash out - that's not a genie. 

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